i’m going to write in a new place that’s just for text // original things:
You are not the one,
not in the sunshine of morning,
nor the darkness of night.
Yet may I always will be.
you are already
i suppose i remember you
i suppose i remember
that i used to go to you
you mashed my heart into jam
i must keep my distance from your foot
You are going to feel tremendous pain and loss- no matter if you let go now or it you wait. But eventually you won’t be able to stand it. You’ll feel you have to end it. And you won’t know all of your true reasons right away, but eventually you will know. You will find your reasons in the same place where you find your worth, your heart, and your mind- because, those will be misplaced too.
As you find your reasons, worth, heart, and mind, you are going to see how things were wrong. How things went wrong. How you were wrong. How you went wrong. And although the answers will matter so much to you, no one will be able to tell you that you’ve surmised it all correctly. Not even the other one, you know- the only other one who could know. And knowing won’t make any difference.
After a period of two months of sorrow in which you refuse to see the end as the end, you will see the end as the end. Or, you will be leaning towards the end, because it won’t really be the end until it’s been months and months and years even. Time. Somehow the other managed to fall out of love fairly quickly, but you know that you take much longer than that.
Once you lean towards the end, you will be able to start creating your world. You will be willing to flaunt your damage. You will share your feelings on the internet, because you feel good when you are talking about the vulnerabilities that you are passing through and people don’t give you enough opportunities to do this in person. You will create your world - and you will try to make good decisions about when to bring people into that world, and where to put them, and who. You will try to love something about/in every minute.
And while trying to love something about/in every minute, you will often admit to yourself that you actually feel apathetic and unable to be present.
You will listen to so much Angel Olsen and you will collect all of her words that mean something to you. Like: “I want to be naked//I don’t mean my body//I don’t need my body.”
You will lose your physical interest in sex and you won’t even be aroused by your own touch and fantasy. But you will still appreciate kissing and you will try to find good kissers. You will change the expectations you have for yourself.
Although you will lose your desire for sex, you will admit that you are still interested in love, because for you- love is lazy- and you want to be lazy. But you will know that love is not something you want to receive from another person unless you couldn’t possibly receive more from yourself. You will wonder if anyone with a male body will ever be good enough and you will feel fairly certain about wanting someone with a male body. You will value the physical.
You will feel the weight that you carry with you.
The hard part: You will be so disappointed in the other. You will be disappointed that they don’t love you anymore, don’t look you in the eyes, don’t speak your name, don’t acknowledge that you are still existing and remember them. I know that this is the hardest part to hear and fathom, but it’s true.
And you will cry when you visit your grandmother and when you talk to her on the phone and you won’t know why. Maybe because she always loves you and makes it known. And that is different.
…You will have dreams about the friend who offered the most paltry comments after your heart had been broken.
…You will delete all digital correspondence with the other: texts, emails, g-chats, contact info.
You will allow yourself to acknowledge that the bitter taste in your mouth is bitter. That your formerly sweet sweet love is bitter, in your mouth. You will decide not to hold your breath until it either goes away, is sweet, or is tasteless. And even though you pass by his house every day, you will not hold your breath. You will not fight with yourself for thinking that his rejection of you is a direct result of him being too cowardly to love you and you will resist the desire to determine whether your interpretation is true.
You will not feel the deep hurt until all of this happens and you’ve experienced the difficult things. And finally, you will be okay, because you will believe that you will be okay. That you will find your voice and be marvelous.
you and i broke up and then you favorited one of my breakup tweets about being alone and it was comforting because it felt like we were doing this together.
i would give a rib for you if you needed it
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